Finding Myself

Day 4) Name some queer heroes, influences, or crushes

I don’t really have a lot of these…

There’s Andrej Pejic, the androgynous model who’s caught between influence and crush.

There’s my boss, who’s a gay woman and definitely a hero of mine. She’s traveled extensively, lives alone, is happy alone, runs her own business, and one day I want to be as comfortable with myself and my choices as she is.

There’s also a professor at my school who’s a crush - she works in the women’s studies department and recently got her PhD in something. I had her for a philosophy course and I’m convinced the only reason I did so well was because of my crush on her (though I think I actually managed to pass all my classes that quarter). Again, one day I want to be as confident as she is.

[TW for trangst] Being trans makes you apologetic.

cocksucking-accent:

(AKA “I should be doing homework but this really needs to be said and I didn’t stick it in my proposal because it felt like whining and I couldn’t find a proper place to put it but this has got to be out there somewhere.”)

It does. It really does.

It starts the very first time you realize you aren’t “normal,” and you turn to your first person and tell then that maybe, you know, if it’d be ok… Maybe they wouldn’t mind calling you Sam instead of Samantha? Or Joan instead of Joe? Or could they just use your initials, maybe? If it’s not too much trouble? And this person (whoever they are) thinks it’s a game. And they laugh, or they snicker, or they ask you why you would do such a thing. Because Joan is a girl name, and you’re not a girl. Why would you want to be one? So you apologize and laugh it off, but inside you’re not smiling.

And it happens again a couple of years later, when you find your way to the internet and make yourself an account in a kiddy forum and say you’re a boy. Your little display picture is a male anime character or another. And you grow to really like this community, until one day someone finds you out for one way or another. Maybe you were careless and let a friend see the site over your shoulder, and they joined. Maybe you started IMing with someone from the forum and they saw your display photo on your IM system, and it’s of a girl. Maybe you decided to go to a meet-up and everyone realizes you were lying. Because of course you are not who you say you are. So you apologize and laugh it off, and say you were just roleplaying. Or it was a joint account with a friend, and they left. Or you clicked the wrong gender when signing up and didn’t realize until people thought you were that gender and you kept it going because it was funny. But of course you can’t go back to the site now.

Again when you start dressing more androgynous, and when someone genders you the way you feel inside, your friends laugh and assure these people that you are not what you look like. That you really do have a dick. Would this stranger want to see it? ‘Cause they’ll pull it out for you if they have to. Hahaha, isn’t it funny that this person thought you were a girl? And you laugh and you apologize to this other person for looking misleading, but inside you are kicking yourself.

And then you come out. Hesitantly at first. You come out to a couple of close friends, and you say you may be genderqueer, and you don’t really know where you stand, but would they mind calling you “they?” And could they just call you Alex, or Cory, or Logan, which are all gender-neutral? And they say that maybe, I mean, it’s really hard, they’ve always known you as Alice and it’s going to be so super-hard to keep those pronouns straight. Hahahaha get it? Straight? Because you’re not straight if you want to be called Alex. You’re obviously gay or bi or something because straight people don’t switch genders. And you say it’s ok and you know it will take time and you don’t correct them even when they misgender you through the years and they call you the wrong thing in front of new friends or in front of your partners. And you apologize for picking such difficult pronouns and for putting them through this and asking them to switch over.

You apologize when you throw the gender ratios off in class and if only you were a girl you could be divided by gender and both groups would have the same amount of people. But, I mean. You don’t mind being with the girls, right? You understand them! Here, ehm, Rob. We promise we still think of you as a guy. But it will be so much easier if you just do us this favor and let us put you in the girls’ group. And you apologize for putting them through this.

You apologize for holding up the line at a gay club because the bouncers are convinced that your ID is a fake. And when you get out at the end of the night and they’re still there, you ask them why they thought it was fake, since it’s brand-spanking-new and you just got it, with the right name and gender, this past month. And they ask you if you’re trans. Oh, you are? Well, that explains it. It just didn’t look right, you know. The font is too thin.

You apologize when you wear a dress and grow your hair out and wear make-up and they still call you Andrew because it’s so hard for them because you will always be “he” to them.

You apologize for going into the right bathroom.

You apologize for mentioning that not all men have deep voices.

You apologize for knowing about periods.

You apologize for having a period.

You apologize for not having a period.

You apologize for being tall.

You apologize for being short.

You apologize for passing.

You apologize for being read.

You apologize for fucking existing and taking up space that you have no right to because you’re a filthy trans person and should just let cis people go ahead and walk all over you.

You apologize for wanting the same rights everybody else has.

And then? Then you have to apologize for not speaking up, because it’s not like cis people could have guessed that you were having issues with housing, or with pronouns, or with the bathroom, or with surgery, or with anything at all. Because you should be both unnoticed and a banner child. Because you should let everybody know you are here in case you make them uncomfortable, or in case they do something that’s fucked up and that screws you over. Because it’s not like you were supposed to see that. If they had only known you were there, they wouldn’t have done it. But oh my gods stop talking you’re always talking about how hard you have it why aren’t you just thankful about the stuff we’ve given you.

So you apologize for being.

Day 3: What’s your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / genderfucking?

Um. Depending on who you ask, the fact that I prefer sports bras (which make my chest look smaller) for every day wear is countering gender roles. Mostly I only femme it up when my confidence levels are super high. When I’m feeling insecure or anxious I’m more likely to bind and wear unisex clothes. 

I don’t know. I guess I don’t really have a lot to say about this one.

Day 2: How did you grow up with your gender?

I never had many friends growing up, but I suppose I never really fit into the typical “little girl” role. I do remember that on the occasions I realized I was a girl, it was always motivated by someone else bringing it up somehow. 

There was one incident, I was maybe five. There were two boys my brother and I played with a lot, one was a year older than me and the other a year younger. We had all played together for years with no problem… until their sister was born. Suddenly I couldn’t play with them at all, because they were boys and I was a girl. I cried for days. Now I’m not sure if it was about their sister being born (and me now having “another girl to play with”) or if we’d suddenly hit the age when gender mattered to them.

I suppose that anytime gender came up, it was always in the context of what I couldn’t do or what I had to do. I didn’t like skirts a lot, unless it was dressing up for a special occasion. I remember at least once when I wished I’d been born a boy so I could cross-dress - and then when Mulan came out and I realized girls could cross-dress, I wished I’d been born at an earlier time so I could cross-dress.

I was never really satisfied with being a girl. Sure, some of it was because it was inconvenient - I couldn’t play with people I wanted to, I had to wear skirts to school even when it was cold (our uniform did allow girls to wear pants, but only if it was below a certain temperature or during a certain window of the year), I was expected to be closer to my mom than I was. Not to mention goddamn puberty. The less said about puberty the better, I think.

Day 1: Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?

For the most part I stick to genderqueer and gender-fluid. Both feel like a good fit to me and I’m comfortable using either. Genderqueer is my go-to, though, unless someone is especially interested and asks me to explain. Part of it is because I’m fond of the term ‘queer’ - I even liked the word as a kid when the definition I knew was simply “strange, quirky or unusual”. I like having that as part of my label because outside of gender and sexuality I consider myself a little strange, quirky and queer.

30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

inflateablefilth:

gqid:

gender-queer:

Many of these could have “Why or why not?” added at the end, and for length sake pretend “or lack of gender” is added after every instance of the word gender (for the agender folks).  

Adapted from the 30 day Trans challenge and the 30 day [GSM] challenge. I wanted something a little more personal.

1) Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?

2) How did you grow up with your gender?

3) What’s your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / genderfucking?

4) Name some queer heroes, influences, or crushes

5) Dysphoria and how you manage it

6) When did you realize you were Genderqueer?

7) What are your favorite physical features of yourself?

8) An unpopular or unsure opinion about the GSM community

9) What have you done or plan to do to socially transition? Pronouns, name, coming out, etc.

10) Are you taking any steps to physically transition?

11) Your first experience with a GSM organization or event

12) Discuss your relationship with the term transgender

13) How has your family taken it or how might they take it?

14) Are you part of the Gender and Sexuality Minority community?

15) How do you deal with gendered things? Clothes shopping, bathrooms, forms, etc.

16) Name some media you connect with queerly

17) How do you, or would you, deal with being misgendered?

18) How does your gender factor in to your future plans?

19) What terms in the cisgender, GSM, or trans* community are problematic?

20) Have you faced any problems or gone through any changes regarding religion?

21) How has your relationship with yourself been affected since you realized you were Genderqueer?

22) What is your sexual and romantic orientations? Are they affected by your gender?

23) Do you feel comfortable answering questions about your gender to friends? Acquaintances? Strangers?

24) How has your relationship with the cisgender people in your life changed?

25) Your first queer crush or relationship

26) Discuss how your clothes do or don’t reflect your gender

27) Write a poem about being Genderqueer. (if you struggle, try a haiku, acrostic poem with your name, or just a stream of conciousness paragraph)

28) Who are some people in your life, on or offline, who make your life better? Your relationship doesn’t have to be related to queerness.

29) Some positive Genderqueer experiences

30) What does Genderqueer mean to you?

Could be fun to try! Note that some of these may be problematic or un-doable depending on individual identity. Be creative and have fun with it if you decide to do it!

Think I might do this!

I feel like I’ve struck a good balance within myself as far as my gender expression goes. I don’t bind much, but I also don’t wear real bras often. I don’t shave my legs unless I’m going to wear a skirt, and I don’t often wear skirts. True, that’s partly because of the way the weather has been (very rainy and/or windy and consistently cold) but also because I haven’t really had girl days. Haven’t had many boy days either. 

For the short time that I was seeing my girlfriend, she was always very focused on my chest. I cannot even tell you how uncomfortable that made me, and I couldn’t very well tell her that without explaining everything, which I wasn’t comfortable doing. Now that I’m single it’s a lot easier to ignore my breasts if they’re bothering me than it was with her constant admiration of them.

I don’t know. I’d still like a breast reduction and a hysterectomy, but I think both of those can wait for a while yet (unless I go up another cup size then all bets will be off and I’ll be begging my mother for a reduction immediately). There are a lot of modifications I’d like to make to my body, not just surgeries but tattoos, possibly more piercings, but they can wait. At least until I graduate from college, anyway.

Maybe I’ll sneak in a little tattoo before then, though. The one I want the most will have to wait regardless.